The Voice Within
by JenLin
Summary: We know what they're saying. But what are they really thinking? Short looks into the heads of various characters in the episodes of series 2.
1. The Curse of the Time Lords

_Having quite recently discovered Doctor Who (they don't show it in my country), I am now going through all the episodes from 2005 onwards. Watching season 2 inspired me to begin this series of fics, which will basically be a look inside a character's head during some of the events in an episode. For those who have read my other DW stuff it might not come as a surprise that there's a slightly angsty edge to these, but nothing too serious. At the moment they are in chronological order, but later chapters might not be - I won't start shifting them around if I come up with something new later on._

_Anyway, I hope you like it, and that I manage to portray the different characters as they should be portrayed. Obviously, nothing belongs to me. Please review so that I'll know how I'm doing! And for anyone into some similar A/11-stuff, I've got a series of those going on as well. Now, let's get started..._

_Oh yeah, and this one is from S2E3 - School Reunion, and it's DPOV.  
_

_

* * *

_

The curse of the Time Lords

I was so happy when Sarah Jane turned up so unexpectedly. I hadn't realized that there would be problems with Rose, though. For some reason that I couldn't understand, Rose seemed to see Sarah Jane as a threat. Mickey, of all people, solved the mystery for me.

"Oh, mate, the missus and the ex. Welcome to every man's nightmare."

Right. Hadn't thought of it like that.

Soon enough, though, Rose and Sarah Jane seemed to get over their jealousy, and their squabbling turned into something that seemed to be called "Mock the Doctor". But then the presence of Sarah Jane seemed to awaken a new feeling in Rose: doubt. She put two and two together, and realized that she probably wasn't the only one since Sarah Jane.

Being Rose, she would never let something like that go. So she asked me about it straight out.

"How many of us has there been, travelling with you?"

Not something I was all too keen to go into.

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah, it does if I'm just the latest in a long line."

"As opposed to what?"

My voice sounded harsher than I had intended. Rose looked like someone had slapped her, which I guess wasn't really that far off.

"I thought you and me were… I obviously got it wrong."

I could see how strongly she felt the rejection. She sounded as if she might cry, and I hated myself for hurting her. But she had to understand. Like I told her, inevitably there would come a day when I'd have to give her up. It was always a choice between letting them go and losing them. It hurt like hell either way, but at least this way of doing it – leaving them behind, as Rose had put it – gave me a sense of control in the matter.

"You can spend the rest of your life with me. But I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on. Alone."

As I said it, I could feel the pain and grief for every one that I had ever lost or had to let go. It never got easier- it actually seemed to get worse, as the loss of another one added to that of all the others.

"That's the curse of the Time Lords."


	2. An opened door

_This one is from S3E4 - The Girl in the Fireplace. DPOV. Yes, angst once more, but that's the way it seems to go with me and the Doctor. Anyway, I still don't own anything. Enjoy, and please leave me a little review so that I know if this is something that I should go on with! I probably will anyway, for my own amusement, but it's always nice to know that (or if) someone out there is reading my stuff!_

* * *

An opened door

For the Doctor, it was very unusual to meet someone who really understood him. But Reinette Poisson had been inside his head, and she knew everything. She had felt the loneliness that he constantly tried to fight off by surrounding himself with companions. She had seen the guilt he felt for so many things in his past. Despite the fact that she had seen into his soul and now knew everything about him, and despite only knowing him for a few hours, she still loved him.

Of course, the few hours were only his side of the story. The Doctor had to remind himself that Reinette had been forced to take "the slow path", and had actually known him since she was a child. But he still wondered what it was that this girl had seen inside his head that had made her love and trust him so completely.

And now she was gone. Far too young to die. And she was another one the Doctor had let down, one more promise he couldn't keep. He wondered how long she had waited by that window before she realized that he wasn't coming for her. And still she had waited for him, until the day she died. "My lonely angel" she had called him. And now, as every time he lost someone he cared about, he felt even lonelier.


	3. The Departure of the Tin Dog

_I thought it was time Mickey got his voice heard after S2E6 - The Age of Steel. Don't own anything. Please review and make my day!_

_

* * *

_

The departure of the tin dog

I had finally had enough of waiting for Rose, always listening out for the sounds of that blue box, so I decided to go with them. After that spaceship with those time windows to 18th century France, I realized what Rose meant – it really was like a constant adrenaline rush to travel with the Doctor.

When I got involved in the life of Ricky – my parallel life, I guess – I felt fort the first time since stepping onto the TARDIS that I had some sort of purpose. With Rose and the Doctor, I had mostly been the guy watching their backs. As I had discovered, I was the tin dog. And I was sick of it. So when Jake was about to head off into that zeppelin, I decided I'd had enough of being the tin dog. I was going to do something that mattered.

Rose did seem a little worried about me, and told me I'd better see her later. I was happy to know she still cared, although she only seemed to have eyes for the Doctor these days. But when I turned to have one last look at her before heading off, I saw that he got a slightly warmer goodbye than I had. Not surprising, really, since it just confirmed what I'd been thinking for a while already, but it still hurt.

How surprised weren't they when "Mickey the Idiot" was the one who saved the day! I definitely showed them that I was more than Rose's good-for-nothing boyfriend – although I guess I hadn't really been her boyfriend for a while now. And in the buzz I felt after my great success, I decided it was time Mickey Smith got his own adventure, his own story. So I stayed.

Rose asked me not to do it. When the Doctor told her they could never come back, she even told me she needed me. Anything to keep things as they were, with her two guys by her side. But I couldn't do it anymore. So I told her the truth – she didn't need me, it was just her and the Doctor now. I would head off with Jake and fight those robot guys. The tin dog fighting the tin men – that actually sounded pretty good to me.


	4. Secret Wishes

_Here's one from Rose, set during S2E08 - The Impossible Planet_. _Please review_. _I own nothing._

Secret wishes

I can't believe the TARDIS is gone. I mean, we thought we'd lost it before, in that parallel universe when it nearly died, but it was still there, and I knew the Doctor would find a way to fix it somehow. He always does. But _this_, this was something else. It's gone. It's down there somewhere, God knows how deep, with no way of getting it back. But at least I've still got the Doctor. There might be no more time travel or visits to other planets, and I might be stuck here, ages from home, but at least I'm stuck here with _him_. I don't care about anything else.

Trust the Doctor to make me laugh, even in a situation like this.  
"Me, living in a house? Now _that_, that is terrifying," he said.  
I laughed, but in reality I could very well imagine it – it was actually a recurring daydream of mine: him and me, settling down, living in a big house, starting a family…  
It was out of my mouth before I could stop it.  
"It could be the same one, we could both, I don't know, share…"

Seconds too late, I realized my mistake.  
"Anyway…" he said and looked down, at the same time as I looked away and tried to quickly change the subject. Me and my big mouth!


	5. Midair

_What went through the Doctor's head while he was suspended over the pit in S2E09 - The Satan Pit. I don't claim to own Doctor Who. Please review._

* * *

Midair

"If they get back in touch, if you talk to Rose, just tell her…"  
Tell her what? I have never told her I love her, and even though it's not that simple, I probably should have told her. But I can't bring myself to have this stranger tell her those words that she so desperately wants to hear.

"Tell her…"  
There's so much I want to say. That she wasn't just one in a long line. That she's special to me. That I would love to get a house with her if we ever get out of here – if I have to live in a house, I wouldn't have it any other way.

There's a chance I'll never get back once I fall into the pit. But even if I don't go, there's no way for me and Ida to get back up to them. And they might not survive up there anyway. Things aren't looking too good for any of us.

But what should I tell Rose?  
"Oh, she knows," I said, and let go.


	6. Letting it all out

_A few days ago I watched The Runaway Bride. See, I was almost in tears when the Doctor lost Rose, and during and after that scene on the beach, but only almost, not quite. But the last line in The Runaway Bride, that short four word line, really made me cry. He managed to get so much pain into those four short words. Amazing._

_Anyway, this is the result. It's a bit different from the previous ones, partly because it's divided into three parts with a different POV each, and partly because though I've previosuly stuck to what we see, I now add a tiny bit more. Not that it probably matters, just wanted to point it out. _

_The first part is Donna, the second is the Doctor, and the last is just general, or I guess it could be the TARDIS, if you like. I hope you like it, and please review! It's on to series 3 after this._

_I don't own Doctor Who, of course.  
_

* * *

Letting it all out

"Well, you could always… come with me."  
He looked so hopeful, it hurt to tell him no. But I knew I couldn't do it – I couldn't live a life filled with that kind of craziness.

I could tell how disappointed he was, even though he tried to hide it. I guessed he probably had so much pain and grief to hide already that he just couldn't do it anymore. He'd mentioned that girl, that friend he lost, and although I didn't realise at first and kept bringing her up, it was now obvious to me that he was hurting. A lot.

He needed someone to go with him, that much had been clear from the hopeful look on his face when he asked me. It couldn't be me, but oh, how I wished he would find someone! He told me he didn't need anyone, but I saw through him. This strange, kind man deserved someone amazing.

* * *

"Just promise me one thing. Find someone."  
I told her I didn't need anyone, and she looked at me knowingly, like she could see straight through the facade I had to work harder and harder to keep up.  
"Yes, you do. 'Cause sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you."  
I couldn't argue with that.

I had really hoped she would come with me. She didn't really have any reason to stay anymore, and after seeing what was out there, I had imagined she'd be dying to see and do more. And she was, just not with me. Sure, she was loud, and probably a difficult person to live with, but right now that would have been exactly what I needed to get my mind off... things.

I could feel the barriers breaking down, and the last of my control slip away.

* * *

"That friend of yours. What was her name?" Donna asked. And the Doctor, who'd been close to losing his grip on it all for a while now, just couldn't do it anymore.  
"Her name was Rose," he said, and his voice broke.  
In those four words, all the pain he was feeling became evident. There was no question about it – the Doctor was a deeply wounded man.

With tears in his eyes, he turned back into the TARDIS. He pressed a few buttons to make her return to space and go into autopilot, and sat down. He sat in a chair in the control room and let it all out. He had cried when he lost Rose, and after he'd talked to her on that Norwegian beach, but never like this. Had anyone been there to see it, they would have felt all the pain and heartbreak they could ever imagine, just by witnessing the grief of this broken man.


	7. Sharing with the Doctor

_Now we're getting into Series 3, with this one from S3E02 - The Shakespeare Code. Martha's POV. Enjoy, please review, and no, nothing in here's mine._

* * *

Sharing with the Doctor

"I've got your room, sir Doctor. You and Miss Jones are just across the landing."  
Hold on, were they putting us I the same room? Well, I guess back then, or, umm, now, whatever, they would have assumed that a man and a woman travelling together were married. This could be interesting...

Wondering what he'd make of it, I commented on there being only one bed as soon as we got inside the room.  
"We'll manage, come on," he said, playing it cool. He lay down in the middle of the bed, and I tried to read his expression. Was he suggesting a strictly platonic bedshare, or something else? It was hard to tell. I lay down, and tried once more to lure some sort of giveaway reaction out of him.  
"Sorry, there's not much room. Us two here, same bed. Tongues will wag." I resisted the urge to bat my eyelashes at him to make sure he got the point.

We seemed to be getting somewhere, with the two of us lying close together, facing each other. He was talking about missing something that was staring him right in the face, and I smiled sweetly at him. Any second now, he'd probably...

...mention Rose. Right. I was just the other woman, the rebound. And on top of that, he had to point out that he would take me back the next day anyway, just to rub it in. Fine!

* * *

_I just had to point out that I wrote this right after watching the episode, i.e. before I watched 'Gridlock'. I then found it quite funny when I saw the next one, and heard Martha's line "_Ever heard the word 'rebound'?"_ I guess that means I'm not too far off on this one... :)_


	8. Just a story

_From S3E09 - The Family of Blood. More amazing acting from David Tennant - it was just heartbreaking to watch. I'm trying to think of another adjective that's strong enough, but can't come up with one, so I'll just repeat: amazing!_

As ever, please review! Come on, is my writing really that bad that I don're deserve more than 3 reviews for a story with this many chapters? ;) Ok, I'll stop begging, I know it's a bit pathetic, but my ego needs stroking, or something... Anyway, the characters aren't mine. Enjoy! Oh, and it's from John Smith's POV.  


_

* * *

_

Just a story

They keep telling me I'm not John Smith, that I' someone else – someone who's not even human. How can I not be human? How can I not be _real_?

I have a nice life, a nice job, and now I also have Joan. Am I supposed to give all that up to become some lonely man with no home and no family?

I feel trapped, like I've been driven into a corner. Martha obviously wants nothing more than to get the Doctor back – but what kind of a man is he, if he keeps her close to him, but never returns her feelings? That's what she said, "he doesn't even look at me". And it didn't even occur to him that I might fall in love. Who is this man that I'm supposed to become?

Even without them saying so, I know they all think that I should just open that watch and get rid of those monsters. Even Joan, sweet, wonderful Joan would sacrifice her own happiness for the greater good. Why can't I just stay John Smith and go on with his life? That's all I want. I've seen what a happy life it could be, and to have that snatched away from me is simply cruel – and what is worse, I will have to be the one to make that decision.

I have to sacrifice everything, give up my life and my love, give up _myself_, to end this. There seems to be no other way. I have to accept that this isn't real, and that I'm just a story.

But it was real to me.


End file.
